The Ramblings of a Lost Soul...

My watch ticks 2:00 on a frosty winter night. I am walking down a lonely road, with my hands comfortably tucked inside my jacket. The absence of wind in the isolated boulevard makes the night even more uncanny. I know I am being followed by someone, someone familiar from my past. I can hear the dead autumn leaves crunching under his feet, and it sends a chill down my spine. My heart starts thumping wildly, expecting the worst. Just as I freeze in my tracks, and slowly turn around to look at that person, everything around me starts to dissolve..


I am only half asleep, with all the lights in my room still lit. My eyes are half shut, but my mind runs like a clockwork, thinking. I try to force my eyes open, feeling groggy. I flap my arms around wildly, searching for my cell phone. I attempt to unlock my phone, focusing hard to remember the last pattern that I had used to protect my privacy. There are 3 signs, telling me that I missed a call, a text and a ping, all before 10:30 p.m. Since how long have I been sleeping? I try to clear my mind and concentrate on the message. I finish reading it. Okay, I had pretty much expected it. I start thinking again, which no longer helps me to endure the situation. I can barely remember anything. I try to focus on the dream that woke me up with such a start.



Was it about the girl sitting 4 seats across me in the train, by the window, with piercingly sharp hazelnut eyes and dark wavy hair that fell so casually over the length of her shoulders? She was eerily beautiful, and her sheer beauty left me in an awe..But wait a minute! That wasn't what happened in my dream; I actually met saw that girl two days back, the very same as I remember now.


For about a month now, nightmarish sleeps have overpowered my usual sound sleeps. Nightmares, fused with gruesome hallucinations. Those which I had all this time, have been far worse and disturbing, than the one that I had described initially. Waking up every morning depressed hearing the screams of the people you love the most, can drive even a saint to lunacy. Creepy as it is, it gets worse when you can't share any of these things with anyone. You are afraid of someone judging you, and then ending up with crappy gossip. When the chips are down, everything starts getting on your nerves.
(Thanks to the most special friend of mine, with whom I could finally open up and share my situation; these nightmares have gradually started to blur!)


I have started living in a state of perpetual Deja Vu. Everywhere I go, it feels like I have already been there before. It's like following an invisible man. Irrationality prevails, like never before. My mind has gone bleary, unable to accept things. Anything.



Then suddenly, it hit me. The dream, on which I was focusing so hard to recollect. A thousand other thoughts start crossing my mind randomly. Meaninglessly. It feels as if my mind has gone into a roller-coaster ride. Everything happens very slowly over a large span of time: The phone calls, the conversations, the fights, the happiness or any other random thing - I am no longer confident whether these things took place in my dreams or if they actually happened in my reality. I sit back in my bed, making myself comfortable and start brooding over things, trying to get to the bottom of my problem. I extract some ideas and draw some pointless conclusions.


Yes, this is what I am going through. It's like, waiting like a lamb in the barn, ready to get slaughtered. I feel lost in my self-directed maze, knowing the way out all the time, but too afraid to find out what's out there, beyond the end of the last passageway. The only possible solution to all this is to muster up the courage and peek into the facts, the reality that awaits me.


Nature always has a subtle way of showing us the back door - the way out of all our miseries. A simple solution to every complications. But, we are always too busy licking the asshole of our problems, and then complaining about how unfair life is. But life is never unfair, for those of us who make the right choice, at the right time. It's not our abilities that define us, it's the choices we make that show what we truly are. But, making the choice needs more than just courage.

I am still in the search of what it takes to make that choice.

Till then, I can just wait and watch. I can be an onlooker. I can see my life tumbling down the hill, but there's absolutely nothing that I can do to stop it...

Confessions of an Insomniac!

First of all, let me inform those few people who read my blogs, that I can be the worst person when it comes to sleeping. Yep, there are a very few people in my little world who can beat me to it! I mean it. These are the things that I am best at! Eating and sleeping are my life! :P. So, now let me tell you all, something about insomnia. Okay, as if no-one knows that insomnia is prolonged sleeplessness! eyes rolling! No, what I am talking about is "my insomnia", how crazy I actually went, and what really I did! I will confess everything that I did, even though it sounds insane to the ultimate level!


takes a deep breath in..


Well, to be honest, I was a bit of a retard when it came to this topic. When I was in standard 10, we had a chapter in English about a dog named Miko who could not sleep for nights together. The crazy part is, I was fascinated by this so-called thing insomnia! Yeah! I was quite enthusiastic over it. Go on, laugh at me! I then had a fantasy, locked somewhere deep in my sub-conscious mind, (I am not talking about Inception! :P), that what if I cannot sleep? What if I suffer from insomnia? Wouldn't that be so awesome?? Yes, I was this stupid! embarrassed.


Now let's not get caught up in the reverie of those two years! :D I had long stopped thinking about insomnia and that dog who suffered. (Honestly, I never thought of that dog!:P) It was just a few days back, when it was the submissions-of-assignments time at my college. It's a thankless task, but that's what we get the marks for. What an uncool education system! sighs sadly. Getting back to the point, I was pressurized from all the sides and my whistle was just about to go off! That did not improve the state of my mind. I was under a lot of stress, anxiety and burden because of my upcoming exams. 


Then it all began, on that dreadful night. 


Night 1-
              It was 2:00 a.m., and my eyes were still wide open, like a ghost searching for someone to feast upon! I never had even the slightest notion, that my 5-day insomnia was on it's way. I tell you; I neither felt like Enrique Iglesias when he composed his album Insomniac, nor like Edward Norton when he played Tyler Durden! It was something so irritating, and it bothered me with every passing minute, reminding me that I could not sleep! So, I did not even try to turn on the lights and start studying, because I saw my two other room-partners fast asleep. The first night passed away in silence and a hope, that I would sleep the next day. Little did I know, my hopes were as useless as people's hopes for removing corruption! :P


Night 2-
              Well, tonight I really expected to get some sleep, because it had been a tiring day. I was wrong. Again, I was up all night like an owl. I did everything that a normal person would do to try and get some sleep. I listened to music for almost 4 hours, I finished up my novel, I gulped down half the bottle of a strong cough syrup (it contained alcohol! *devil's smile*), and then what?! I was still the same. Eyes wide open! So, I started playing "Angry Birds-Seasons". I lost the track of time, and cleared all the stages of that game by dawn. Clearly, I was more pissed off than those angry birds! I think it was just the 5th time in my life, that I was awake before the sunrise! :P

Night 3-
              This time I tried doing something new, for inviting sleep. I imagined myself as an actor/director of an action-thriller film, and started weaving a story in my mind. I even invented some dialogues; and to be honest, I even practiced saying them like Brad Pitt! :D! I did this till 4:00 a.m., and then I decided to text all my close friends; about my insomnia problem. After I was done with it, one of my friends actually messaged me back! We then talked for next two hours on the phone; and God, was I actually feeling relieved?! No, not so relieved that I could sleep, still! :O


Night 4-
              Okay, now this is getting really boring and monotonous as it proceeds! But by this time, I was getting totally driven to lunacy. I took out my frustration on every single person who called me, or behaved so strangely that ultimately they hung up. I yelled at random people who irritated me even a bit. I was getting nowhere. I felt like I was overwhelmed by it, possessed like a devil. I needed sleep. I craved for sleep. I envied all of my friends who were peacefully sleeping like small babies in little cradles! Yes, I felt THIS jealous! That night, I adopted one of the oldest, rotten, unforgotten and yet, the most idiotic method to sleep. I tried counting SHEEP! It was the last ace up my sleeve. Surprisingly,  I did not give up until I had counted 216 of those stupid, white, leaping-over-the-fence, little legged moronic creatures! 
Still, I was miles away from my snooze. :|

Night 5-
             By this time I had gone totally wacky. My eyes had stopped forming tears, becoming puffy and swollen to top it all. I could not bear light and I rarely blinked. I was transforming into an irrational maniac. I started doing more absurd things that night. Standing in the little so-called balcony, I saw a pigeon sleeping at around 4:30 a.m. I screamed at the pigeon and started abusing it. Yes, I was this psyched out! I blamed everything around me for my sleeplessness. My headaches had increased and I felt like someone had put a hot plate iron on my head. Every second there was a feeling of being hammered into a small ball. I had had enough. 
The following day finally stopped it all. I got a call from someone. <3! Someone most special. Someone, whom I had been fighting with, for the past 3 days. We talked and we apologized each other. The conversation lasted for about 30 minutes, but those 30 minutes were the most pain-relieving moments of my life as far as I remember. It felt so good, so complete deep inside me... as if all my anxiety and stress had evaporated quicker than kerosene! (okay, bad example.)That night, I ate in peace, smiled in peace and yes; at last, I slept in peace. Lasting  15 hours, it was my deepest sleep ever! I slept like an infant..


Insomnia was, after all, settled. It went away as quickly as it had come. I finally heaved a huge sigh of relief. 


A piece of advice, to all those people who think that insomnia is cool, it's NOT! Don't even think about it! It's no less than banging-the-head-on-a-wall thing! I hope I have bidden adieu to insomnia! 
So,


Till the next time I confess something and screw your minds,
Au revoir!